6^6^^^^---^^Failed.

I am so far from happiness,
Day in day out living the same lie, with the same disorders. But I am too fucked up to bother fixing problems.
Living more of my life behind a different name, with a different tune, avoiding responsibility and reality.
This seems to be how I cope.
Placing hopes in something I do not even acclaim, something I limit in chances of success with my own bizarre thoughts of integrity.
I am my own worst nightmare, but I am too fucked up to care.
In sporadic bursts I attempt change, but it just stays one step out of my reach.
I am not ready to die, too much has to be accomplished first.
But I feel so ready, I feel like there is no future, how can there be.
At eighteen I am like this, a throwaway life with no concerns.
A lit fuse waiting to explode, as it ticks down the sparks light everything else too.
I am slowly making progress on the E list, slowly but surely. Leaving the more drastic things until last, obviously. I need my mind right now.
No use writing it off totally just yet.
I have been letting everyone down lately, my friends, myself. And people have been letting me down, I am becoming increasingly isolated. I don't even give a fuck.
My music seems to be all that matters.
And a few people I still talk to occasionally, those *few* who aren't stupid fucks just looking to be the great debater about my life and other things they know nothing about. ( You know who you are. )
Most people think they have me penned,
That they know what I am going through and they know my life.
But fuck them, they know nothing.
I can't put into words what it feels like.
I am 9 years and a half into my sentence, and I could have been released for far more drastic crimes than just being born in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Fuck chance and circumstance,
I want to change everything, and as I said before. This starts now, with cutting off the loose bonds, and being alone for a change. Instead of chasing my dreams in unlikely places.
And I need to be alone and invisible for a while.
To get some things done, so I can pull myself together.
I can't afford financially or otherwise to waste my time on stupidity.
Everyone who believes they are the next Manson/Orgy/Model can just get out of my sight right now.
I have probably used you enough and I definately have no time for you.
Every day I think about the same things,
I don't get enough time alone. And that's all I want.